Mein Liebe

I was IMing with Oscar today and he ended up sending me an old screenshot he had taken back before we were together, on the last day of May.  It was of a few of the private messages I had sent him when he was going through his breakup.  They were telling him that I found him to be a fantastic person (which I do), that I found him to be very attractive (which I do), and finally that I had a crush on him (which I do, plus some).  I knew they were taken in May because in them my display picture was the Twining's tea bag that I haven't had up for several months.

Something about that was so beautiful to me that it nearly made me cry.  I couldn't really pinpoint what exactly made me so overwhelmed with emotion; I had screenshotted his confession of a crush on me, after all.  And I think I've just realised the reason why it struck me so much.  I think it's because it was a kind of proof that my words had actually meant something to him even then, that they were so important he wanted to make sure he remembered them.  Lots of people were sending him messages of companionship, but mine meant enough to him that he wanted to hold onto them.

I suppose what makes me so happy about that is that in some small way I was able to get across to him even then, at least a tiny bit, that he is absolutely a divine human being.  And he is.  It reminds me of that Velvet Underground song that has some of the most stunning lyrics I've ever heard -

I'll be your mirror, 
Reflect what you are,
In case you don't know.
. . .
I find it hard
To believe you don't know
The beauty you are.
But if you don't
Let me be your eyes.
. . .
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind.


I cannot possibly put into words how incredibly important it made me feel to know that maybe, possibly, I am his mirror.  He deserves to have a mirror reflecting to him how beautiful he is for all eternity.

I love him so much.  I love him endlessly and infinitely and exponentially, and I've used all of those words so much since we became a couple because they're all true and they all apply to the way I love him.  It's more than just loving him constantly.  It's falling in love with him constantly.  I realised today that that's what it is.  I have the comfort of love, of course, but at the same time I have the absolute joy and passion and schoolgirl giddiness that goes along with falling in love with someone, and I have it over and over and over whenever I think of him.



And yes, I know that you can read this.  I love you.